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[Cracked logo intro] Hi, I'm Roger, and I have one question: Are you ready to become the best you can possibly be? The answer is no, no you're not. So buy this doodad. I call it the Horton Phone Bracelet. It's a fitness related status symbol that's smart, in the sense that it talks to the internet. And you can use this do-dad for everything, theoretically. Which makes it your fault, if it doesn't change your life. Once you shackle yourself to this electric jewelry, you can track your steps, mileage, heart rate. And other data you never tracked before, because who cares? No one cared before. Caring about it, is a need I invented to sell this kind of stuff, and once you invest in this kind of stuff, you'll feel that need - which you'll decide is good! And as soon as you sync your Horton Phone Bracelet to your much more boring pocket-computer-phone. If you use a uHorton XPhone Gen